Bully
by lilsherlockian1975
Summary: A snotty anti-Snape comment led to this little bit of cracky goodness. I promise a laugh and some fluffy good times (also, a very sassy Hermione!).


_An obligatory negative Snape comment on something I reblogged on Tumbler the other day inspired this. I almost replied with my usual snark and Severus defense but decided a fic was better retribution._

 _Big thanks to Darnedchild for betaing and HP picking this so quickly (Elizabeth K1 will be taking a look at some point in the near future, I'll correct any mistakes she finds at that time). I take full credit for any and all errors!_

 _I own nothing except for this cracky idea. Enjoy ~Lil~_

* * *

"Did you know that you're a bully?" she asked, from the doorway of his classroom. She had taken a long walk around the Black Lake before coming to see him in an attempt to calm herself. Thankfully it had worked.

"It's one of the things I pride myself on, actually. Why?" he replied with a chuckle, not pausing his task of erasing the blackboard. He could have used magic, of course, but this was his preferred method.

Walking forward, she explained, "I heard the new DADA teacher mention it and thought I'd pass it along."

"Why was she talking about my bullying skills? I've not even spoken to her yet." He sat down the eraser and dusted his hands, finally turning and facing the witch.

"She was a student here, don't you remember?"

He looked thoughtful for a moment then nodded. "Now that you mention it, yes. A… Ravenclaw?"

"Gryffindor," she corrected. "Graduated a year after my class."

"Ahh, that explains it. I _was_ in hospital for almost two years, after all," he said with an easy smile as he removed his teaching robes, hanging them on a peg next to the board.

"Indeed."

"Was she a friend of yours? Or perhaps Mrs. Potter's? Surely they knew each other." Walking toward his desk, he pulled out his wand. With a flick, he closed, locked and warded the door.

The witch removed her robes, hanging them next to his, she then kicked off her high heeled shoes and leant against his desk, rubbing her tired feet. "No. I mean I _knew_ her, of course, but we weren't friends. She was a bit of a snob if I'm honest. Still is." Cutting her eyes to him she added, "She also called you an extreme arse…"

He held out a hand. "Move over here, love, and let me do that."

She smiled, letting him guide her, then sat in the middle of the cleared desktop. A lusty moan escaped as he picked up her right foot and started to massage the sole.

"Now, tell me what you did when she started calling me names." His sexy smirk told her that he quite certain what her response had been.

"I _did_ try to reason with her, of course."

" _Of course,"_ he teased.

"I reminded her of your service to the Light and your role as a double agent…"

"Triple, actually, but do go on."

"... And your Order of Merlin."

"Can't forget my award!" he said, switching to her left foot.

"Then I mentioned how grateful Harry has always been for all your help."

He hit a particularly tender spot, causing her to yelp. "Sorry, dear," he said, not sounding the least bit remorseful.

"Well, he _is_ very grateful!"

"If you mentioned his upcoming child or said child's proposed middle name, this massage ends now!" he growled, but never ceased his rubbing.

"I didn't get quite that far," she replied with a pout.

"And why is that?

"Because she said, and I quote, 'No matter what you say, nothing justifies Snape's awful behaviour!'. Then I… _hexedherhairchartreuse_."

His _magic_ fingers stopped and he looked up with a broad smile. "Come again? I didn't quite catch that."

She sighed. "I said: I hexed her hair chartreuse!"

Snape laughed loudly, the sound reverberating through the nearly empty room. "Gods, Hermione! I do adore you!"

"Well, the insipid cow should know better than to insult my husband to my fecking face!"

A split second later, she was jerked off of the desk and onto her wizard's lap. One of his hands gripped her bottom, the other threaded through her hair. "I'm going to kiss you now. I thought you should be warned." And then he did just that, taking her mouth furiously, possessively and turning her insides to a gooey mush.

When the kiss ended, only because they both required actual air, Severus pulled back inhaled deeply and asked, "How much trouble are you in, love?"

"Not much. I had to take her patrols for a month _and_ her Hogsmeade weekend. The worst part was having to apologise." She rolled her eyes, playing with one of the many buttons on his frock coat. "I didn't mean it, of course."

"Was Minerva very angry?" He was still smiling, pride unmistakably shining in his eyes.

"No. Actually, I'm positive that I saw her going for her wand, but I was quicker on the draw… this time." She winked.

"When will people learn not to mess with my witch?" he asked rhetorically.

" _Probably not before they learn that you aren't really 'mean', just written that way for very specific plot purposes. Not to mention that that particular story was told from one person's point of view, so the reader does not get varying perspectives. This is, of course, how literature works and readers should perhaps take it for what it's worth. And, call me crazy, but maybe they should listen to the author when she says that the character is 'grey'. Morally dubious characters are, let's face it, simply delicious! They add intrigue and flavour to a book. They make you as the question "what_ _ **is**_ _morality?" And let's not forget that you did have a redemption arch, of course, but I suppose that just wasn't enough for some people. Ah well. She tried, I suppose. I just don't understand why people in fandoms are so hostile!"_

" _ **What?!"**_ both he and Hermione said, looking around the room.

The witch jumped up, wand in hand, followed by Severus. They stood, back to back each in perfect fighting form.

After about two minutes of silence, Severus said, "You… You heard that, right?"

"Of course I did!" his wife replied. "Why do you think I'm ready to hex a speck of dust?"

"What in Merlin's name…? Where did it come from?" Severus cast several revealing spells; they produced nothing.

"I have absolutely no idea?" Hermione cast her own spells but got the same results.

Silence fell over the space once again as the couple looked around the room. Finally, Hermione glanced at her husband and asked, " Errant ghost? Poltergeist? Shared hallucination?"

"It's nothing Dark, I can confirm that." Relaxing slightly, he stowed his wand then walked back to his chair, motioning for her to join him.

Hermione climbed onto his lap sideways, resting her head on his shoulder. "That was… _strange_ and this from a girl who once spent several weeks as a cat."

"Cat/girl hybrid, love. It's not as if you were an Abyssinian. You didn't use a litter box or eat kibble," he corrected absently.

"Who's this _author_ she was talking about?"

"No idea." He held her closely, stroking her arm and occasionally kissing her bushy head. "I have to admit, whoever she was, has me curious as to what a _fandom_ is and why people are so hostile?"

* * *

 _Okay, so I take out my fandom anger in story form. I was annoyed and this is the result. Hope it made you giggle. If it did, let me know. Thanks so much for reading. ~Lil~_


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